I hate announcers

It can’t be that difficult to call a football game or a highlight without being a jackass. In fact, here are my 4 steps to not sucking (pay attention, Bradshaw):

1) Play to your strengths. If you’re an ex-player or coach, then your strength is inside information and educated analysis. You’re not a freaking comedian, no matter what that pack of yes-men at the network tell you about the sitcom where you play the quirky father that’s in development. It ain’t happening. Tell me something I don’t know, and be brief.

2) Be a team player. In other words, let the other guys play to their strengths. If you’re the play-by-play guy, kick it to the color guy when it’s time and be ready to get it back. Color guy, don’t talk over the em effing play!

3) Don’t be a jackass. I call this the Bradshaw rule. I’m not using ‘jackass’ metaphorically, either. The man literally gets on TV and brays. Or at least that’s how it sounds to me. Bradshaw spent two series of the LSU/Notre Dame game talking loudly about how he couldn’t get the telestrator to work. This, after mispronounciating JaMarcus Russel’s name for the first series (as DaMarcus).

4) Don’t be a homer. And I don’t mean Simpson. If I heard one more ‘expert’ talk about the matchup between Bill Belichick and Philip Rivers this week I might have thrown myself from a high window to end my misery. Stop auditioning to be the fluffer for the Pats. Belichick’s not a genius; he’s a damn football coach. And he doesn’t play defense.

Also, I don’t give a shit what the sideline reporter looks like. Hire someone who knows something about the sport they’re covering, even if they look like a Picasso, aight?

p.s. Dear Stuart Scott, you’re not nearly as funny as you think you are. You haven’t come up with a clever catchphrase since “cool as the other side of the pillow”, and your lazy eye freaks me out. Never say ‘BANANAS’ on the air again. The players are not your friends — they’re nice to you because you cover them. Shaq ain’t having you over for a bbq because you said his album was ‘ill’.

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